Reflections while packing a suitcase

January 6, 2013

I sit peacefully in my lovely room–my lovely, beautifully decorated room filled with all of my books and pictures and throw pillows–every comfort I could possibly imagine. I sit here in thankful reverence. I live a life of luxury. Anything I’ve wanted, I have always been given. Do I get to go around the world right now? No, not yet anyway. But my spirit told me several things today of which I’d like to share–in the privacy of this book. I wrote this excerpt this morning while listening to two very gentle, humble missionaries from Kenya. Their story spoke to me–the ministry they have for the women and girls–it moved me. This idea of girls realizing their value as daughters of the King keeps coming up in my life.

“I am moved to tears as my heart feels the heaviness of the spirit on my heart. God is preparing me to do mission work. I can hardly believe it as I write it, but my heart says that he is. That I will have to leave those I love–that I will be pushed into places that I will not know.”

I think I am going to email the missionaries and just make contact with them. I still have my heart set on India, but when the spirit moves we must move with it. Otherwise, we will miss out on God’s big, perfect, beautiful plan. Today was not only moving, but it was also comforting. It was like God was coming to me with out-stretched arms, saying, ‘It’s okay my child. You are the way you are for a reason. I have a plan for you. Big changes are coming.” So, I guess I just wait. I wait and see and pray. And love.

I often get teased for celebrating little things that others might look over. My brothers, in particular, tease me about my overabundance of “sunshine” statuses–the words ‘blessed,’ ‘humbled’ and ‘grateful’ permeating my vocabulary. I laugh, knowing they are right. But here, as I labor over a suitcase that I need not fill with much, I find myself in somewhat of a paralyzing realization of how blessed I am. Nearly six months ago, I was clinging to the hope of turning a burning in my heart into a reality. Now, I prepare to board a plane in the morning, having had nearly 4000 dollars given to me without me sending out one support letter or asking anyone for money. I have literally paid $100 of my own money.  Am I able to say anything other than that God is good? Nothing seems more fitting. When God specifically told me, near the beginning of my trip planning, that I was not to outright fundraise, I simply replied, “That…is not a good idea.” He, in turn, replied that He wanted to teach me two things. The first, his faithfulness and control over all aspects of my life. The second, personal sacrifice. Thus, I have been taken on a journey of both–learning to give over control and planning–as well as learning that one must personally sacrifice time, sleep, and money to do what the Lord wishes us to do. More than anything though, I have even further been shown what Christian community looks like. I am humbled beyond belief.

This is just the beginning. I can feel it in my spirit–in my very bones and flesh. God is about to rock my heart, mind, and world-view. Only time can tell what will come after my trip. I do not pretend to have a plan–to tell you all that I will suddenly feel called to the mission field and will leave immediately after my return. How can one know such things? I do, however, boldly claim the call God has placed on my heart for this present season. Though shorter than I first anticipated, the next five weeks are a sweet gift to me–a gift for which i will never be ungrateful.

Selah.

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