If you follow me on any sort of social platform, you know know by now that ten months in to marriage, Geoff and I are three months pregnant with our first child.
I’ll go ahead and answer the question most people are asking by this point. No, we didn’t plan it.
A friend recently asked me what it felt like when I saw the positive test–what it felt like the moment I found out I was going to be a mom.
“You keep telling people you were surprised. Why were you surprised?”
The truth is, I shouldn’t have been. God had been preparing me for such a miracle for a long time. But I doubted He would follow through with His promises. You’d think I’d learn by now.
Deep down, ever since I can remember, I have more or less known that of all the things I wanted to do and all the dreams deep down inside me, becoming a mother was at the top. I knew this at a pretty young age.
And so, in the fall of 2016 when my family doctor told me she didn’t believe I ovulated and didn’t know if I would be able to have a baby one day, I crumbled. Looking back, I should have put more faith in the words of my Father than of my doctor. But it had been a hard year. I was battling depression and had just been diagnosed with a pelvic condition that I knew would undoubtedly affect my future marriage. It’s a diagnosis many women receive but rarely any talk about.
I felt broken. This was in no way actually true, but isn’t it often easier to believe the lies than the truth? My story is no different than so many other women I speak to these days. In fact, I’ve watched close friends battle much more heartbreaking things that I have. God bless them for their faithfulness.
And then right before Christmas that year, with the lights dimmed and our advent candle flickering–God met me. My hand wrapped around Geoff’s, God gave me a vision, standing right there near the front of the church.
And I saw myself standing in this beautiful golden field, holding a baby. And He spoke over me, saying, “Noel, Noel, come and see what I have done.” And in my spirit I felt him promising that He would give me the desire of my heart. And that He would make me a mother. And that the birth of my baby would be a reminder of what God has done in our lives. Noel. Birth.
The vision of that baby never left me. And in days where I hardly felt a desire to pray, I still prayed for that. Our Noel. Our birth. Our miracle.
There are probably ten other instances I could share. Dreams close family friends had. God nudging me to pray…. So many things that I honestly don’t know why I was shocked when I finally got a positive pregnancy test (I had four negative ones. Geoff kept telling me I was crazy and to stop spending money on tests. ha! But somehow I just knew!)
The week before we got pregnant, the sermon was on Hannah in the Bible and her beautiful, persistent heart of prayer. I stared at all the babies in the room and cried. When Geoff and I went up for prayer, they laid hands on me and prayed for three things. All three either improved or were healed in a matter of days. One of those things is that we would be able to one day have a child.
I’ve joked that whoever prayed that prayer must have a pretty good direct line with God. But you know, I think that God wanted to make it so obvious to us that He had a plan all along. That He is a promise keeper. That His timing is better than our own.
So, when I saw those two pink lines on the pregnancy test on Christmas Eve (okay, really? God LOVES the details!) I shouldn’t have been surprised. Because God is faithful.
So, to answer my friend’s question–finding out I was going to be a mom was the most shocking and incredible and mind blowing experience I’ve ever had. I have been filled with fear and joy and anticipation. I have been frustrated that so many of my previous physical struggles have only worsened as my body has changed. I have been grateful beyond belief. I have cried because I am humbled we would receive such a gift. I have been scared that it all happened so soon in to our marriage. More than anything, I have been eager to share the testimony of this sweet baby’s life. For it was planned before it ever entered my heart. God has loved it and known it from the beginning. And may they always feel it and know it in the deepest parts of their heart.
Thank you to everyone who has loved on us by sending us texts, calling us, mailing me sweet cards and books, and offering to answer ALL of my many questions.
2019 will be an adventurous year for us. But we know that our faithful Father goes before us in every little perfect detail and way.